Keeping Secrets From Sarek
by kathrynw221291
Summary: spock battling with his inner demons when jim professes his love for him will spock stay true to his vulcan heritage? or will he succumb to his beautiful captain's enticing good looks? rated T for suggestions of sexy stuff...nothing too raunchy :
1. Chapter 1

**Keeping secrets from Sarek**

**Ok this is just a plot bunny that's been nuzzling at my brain all day…it's difficult to focus at school in English literature when this baby is running through your head**

**SPIRK SPOCK/KIRK KOCK SPORK…whatever fandom name you prefer **

**Anyway just another admission of feelings, some angst, little bit of fake unrequited love…I basically wanted to write a spirk fic that wasn't pure fluff and happiness, little bit of rejection, personal battle, defiance of culture…**

**Obviously I do not own Spock or Kirk, or Sarek or any of the star trek people – Gene Roddenberry / JJ Abrahams get the credit for them**

**Based on nu trek/star trek 2009 peeps ZQ (Zachary Quinto) and Chris pine for the win**

**Rated t for little bit of sex suggestion…nothing nosebleed-worthy but still**

**Hope people like it **** x**

"But…but spock… I love you…don't you understand what I'm-" Jim protested to a retreating Spock, who hastily covered his captain's mouth with his hand, as to stop him letting the whole bridge crew know his feelings. They were standing in Jim's quarters, Jim having just told Spock that he loves him…

Spock is dumbfounded by the admission and knows that, whatever his heart is telling him, he cannot possibly reciprocate the feelings…or at least he cannot tell Jim that he does. He decides to lie, to deny his desires to uphold his vulcan traditions, he must marry a vulcan woman and start a family, not go cavorting around with gorgeous emotional tanned beautiful captains in every position, in every possible place and at every time of the day available…

No he must not do that…however much he wants to and fantasizes about it.

No, he must lie to him, throw him off the scent of a relationship or even just sex, oh god the sex would be amazing, but no, he must dissuade Jim (and himself) from these sinful (yet perfect) thoughts

"yes, captain, I understand perfectly well what you are saying"

spock hissed through gritted teeth, as tingles rippled down his arm as he felt Jim's plump lips moving against his palm. All the pleasure he was feeling was worth it to shut Jim up at that present moment. Spock closed the door he had been about to walk through a few minutes earlier.

He needed to tell Jim straight (to convincingly lie to Jim); he wasn't gay, he was Vulcan, and the feelings Jim was admitting to were foolish, emotionally charged and unfortunately for him, unreciprocated. But Spock could not form the sentence in his mind. He merely stared at his captain's young face before him; his eyes shining brightly, a slight blush fading from his chiselled tan cheekbones, his brow furrowed slightly at being restrained. God he was so damn beautiful…which made lying to him even harder.

He removed his hand from Jim's mouth and stepped back from him, and took a calming breath.

He needed to tell Jim straight…he could never love him (even though every fibre of his being knew he did); however aesthetically pleasing the younger man may be.

Pushing Jim into a sitting position onto the bed, Spock proceeded, carefully.

"Listen to me, Captain. I am not attracted to males, however much you might wish me to be. I am Vulcan, we mate for necessity, and not for pleasure in this respect we are very different to humans, as you may have observed over the time you have known me."

Yes, thought Spock, throw in the Vulcan argument, that always works.

Kirk eyebrows furrowed again, his face cracking at the rejection he was being subject to. He did not reply, so Spock carried on.

" I do not love you…I am sorry captain but your feelings are unreciprocated…I am however very touched that you feel that way for me…but I cannot make a similar admission to you…I am your colleague and of course your friend…but nothing more can develop from our current relationship…you must understand that?

Spock looked down at his captain's face again…tears were welling in those bright blue eyes, and he was blushing again. Spock felt as if his heart was ripping in to inflicting such pain on his captain was harder than he first thought

"Yes…no…it's…its ok Spock…I understand…of course…fuck I'm so stupid for telling you my stupid feelings! I should've just kept them to myself…fuck fuck fuck! I'm such a dick….and now its going to be awkward and there's going to be animosity and tension and it's all my fucking fault…I…I'm sorry spock…just forget I said anything about…love…fucking hell I don't know what I was thinking…of course you don't love me…how could you…your vulcan…vulcans don't feel anything like love…Jesus!"

Kirk cursed, hitting himself on the forehead with his palm and standing up abruptly. He wiped the tears away angrily and closed his eyes tight, frowning and sighing deeply.

"Captain…I am sorry that your admission did not have the desired effect…I do not know what to say to make this situation any better for you"

Spock said, stepping backwards into a wall and leaning against it.

Kirk found himself staring his first officer up and down, admiring his beautiful physique. The midnight black hair, his gorgeous and lickable pointed ears, the tinge of green that rested on his pronounced cheek bones, the dark mysterious eyes, his perfectly shaped lips that Jim really wanted to taste, his tight uniform clinging to his chest muscles and strong vulcan arms, his abs underneath the uniform, moving slightly as he inhaled and exhaled, his tight black Starfleet slacks clinging in all the right places.

Jim looked away almost angrily, inwardly cursing himself for being such a wanton whore, for needing to jump spock's bones so much, and for knowing he could never look at his first officer like that again, knowing he could never touch the pale skin or taste the parted peachy lips, or run his hands through the hair…he could never have the thing he wanted most, the person he wanted most in the world.

Tears sprang in his eyes again as he replayed the conversation they had just had…one tiny phrase was running over and over like a stuck record "I do not love you". It rang in his ears like a horrific bell, pain shot down his spine and stars popped in his eyes.

He realised that the gorgeous Vulcan was still standing against the wall, staring intently at his captain.

"just go spock…it's not your fault, I was an idiot to make myself think I could actually be with you, like, in a relationship…I'm sorry I said anything about it…just forget it ok?"

Jim said waving his hand towards the door of his room, while tears streamed down his tanned cheeks and over his jaw-line.

"Jim…I…I'm so sorry…this can never…it would never work…you are human, I am Vulcan…even if we did try to…not that I haven't thought about it…oh god how I've thought about it…but I can't …I don't think I could…can we just try one thing before I leave?"

Spock said, moving towards the door.

"What? You mean you have been thinking about…us? I mean it sure sounds like that…would it really not work…I mean I could teach you how we humans court their mates…I mean…yeah sure…what do you wanna try? I'm up for anything…surely you realise that by now?"

Jim said looking up from his hands, he had been trying not to look at his vulcan crew member and think of all the things he could do to him given the chance.

" yes, captain, I am aware of your tendency to jump into situations headfirst without looking first…stand up, and walk towards me…but stop just a few inches away?"

Spock commanded as Jim stared vehemently up at him.

The younger man complied with Spock's will and did as he was told.

"Ok, now what? If you're going to hit me, do it quickly so it hurts less?"

Jim prompted, thinking about all the possibilities of what could happen in the next few seconds.

"I am not going to hit you, Jim…close your eyes…if you would?" Spock said placing his fingers lightly on the tanned eyelids before him and gently closing them.

Jim flushed under the blind scrutiny and silence he was receiving from his first officer. "What is this spock? Hurry up and do what youre gonna do coz I don't have all day to stand here waiting"

He said moving from foot to foot awkwardly. Spock placed his hands at Jim's hips and slowly ran them up his superior's sides, moving them to stroke the muscular tanned biceps and rested them at his shoulders for a millisecond.

He then proceeded to stroke his way along Jim's neck and rested his hands either side of Jim's face.

"What the fuck? I thought you said this could never happen…not gay? I'm beginning to think otherwise…if you were straight you wouldn't know how to-"

Before Jim could raise an eyelid a fraction or finish the sentence he felt hot Vulcan lips on his, pressed lightly against Jim's open mouth. He tried to speak but was silenced as the burning Vulcan tongue enveloped his own. He complied eagerly, wrapping his arms around the vulcans waist and moved his leg between the first officers'.

Spock flushed greener than Jim had ever seen, as kirk moved his hands to rest in the back of his star fleet slacks.

Spock withdrew from kirk and panted lightly for a second.

"I thought you said you didn't love me? I think what we just did constitutes more than friendship in my book…I am utterly confused now"

Jim said, stroking his first officer's face with a calloused fingertip.

"I…I…regret saying that I did not reciprocate your loving feelings…the look on your face damn-near killed me…but you must understand that if my father found out…he…I don't think that he would approve of this arrangement…I am asking you a large favour…to keep us a secret…we can carry on in this manner for as long as we both see fit…but it must be kept a secret…is that possible? Jim??"

spock said moving towards his new lover and placing his hands either side of Jim's head again…

"Jim? Would you focus please?…can you keep it a secret? I need you to tell me if that's possible"

Spock asked again, a desperatation flickering in his dark eyes.

"sorry, I'm just mesmerised by how beautiful you look standing in front of me…yes I can keep it a secret…of course I can…would your father really disapprove… If I could make you happy? Would he still disapprove then? I love you…and you feel the same…right?"

Jim asked looking deep into the eyes of the Vulcan quivering before him

"yes, of course I love you…but I am not sure my father would see it that way…vulcan males are supposed to marry and have children, with women…happiness and love don't really come into it…I know this must be odd for you to imagine…but it is the way vulcans understand relationships…I will be happy…but persuading my father of the fact that I am romantically, even sexually involved with a man, a human man, will be quite a difficult task…but, yes I love you, and we will be together…the crew can know, as long as they do not tell my father…I want him to hear it from me rather than idle crew gossip…it is paramount that you understand this…it is important to me"

Spock finished, breathing out and leaning in towards Jim.

"If it's important to you, then it's important to me…I understand Spock, I do…I can keep a secret"

Jim winked, pulling Spock flush against him and kissing him hard on the mouth again. Spock moaned into the kiss and hugged his captain tightly.

He could deal with all the shit later, right now all spock wanted to do was stay in his beautiful captain's warm embrace for eternity…telling his father _would_ be difficult, but right now spock couldn't care about anything other than the beautiful man wrapped around him and the wonderful things he was doing with his mouth to his

collar bone.

AS I SAID, JUST ANGSTY PAINFUL YET CUTE SPIRK LOVING

NOTHING TO RACY OR SEXUAL… RATED T JUST TO BE SAFE THOUGH

I HOPE IT ISNT TOO CRAPPY…

I'M SURE SAREK WILL BE VERY HAPPY TO FIND OUT THAT SPOCK AND SEXY JIM KIRK ARE GETTING IT ON…HE'S AS GOOD A MATE AS ANYONE ELSE RIGHT?

WELL HES PROBABLY PRETTIER THAN MOST OF THE VULCAN GIRLS ANYWAY

LOVE LOVE LOVE 3

SAD Jim IS PRETTY HEARTBREAKING TO WRITE, LOTS OF CRYING…HE JUST NEED A BIG HUG…I'M SURE MOST PEOPLE WOULD BE HAPPY TO GIVE CHRIS PINE (OOPS I MEAN JIM) A BIG BEAR HUG ANY DAY…TOO BAD HE BELIONGS TO SPOCK

X REVIEW PLEASE


	2. Chapter 2

THIS IS THE 2ND VERSION OF THIS STORY…AFTER RE-READING THE FIRST VERSION I REALISED (WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM KILLER OF WILLS THANKS TO AN INFORMATIVE AND CONSTRUCTIVE REVIEW) THAT THE CHARACTERS WEREN'T HOW I WANTED THEM TO BE:

SPOCK = TOO HUMAN

KIRK = TOO GIRLY AND NOT KIRK-LIKE

SO I RE-WROTE IT TO MAKE IT BETTER…I THINK IT NEEDS A BIT MORE HUMOUR SO I MIGHT ADD SOME IN LATER CHAPTERS…THIS ONE IS FAIRLY SERIOUS (BY MY STANDARDS) AS IT HAD TO GET ACROSS COMPLICATED SHIZ (LIKE LOVE AND EMOTIONS/CONFESSIONS) NEEDS SOME SERIOUSNESS…ITS NOT A FRICKING CIRCUS GUYZ…

SO I HOPE THIS IS MORE ACCURATE THAN THE FIRST ONE

X

RATED K+

Keeping secrets from Sarek …revised version

Spock stood outside the Captain's quarters, having just been asked to come and talk to his superior.

The Vulcan could not ignore the odd feeling swirling within his abdomen – was it fear at his unexplored feelings he had been hiding being discovered by the over-emotional human? Or was it something else, perhaps anticipation? or worry? Or the constant fear of rejection that is always settling itself across Spock's brain whilst in the direct vicinity of the young Captain?

How could James .T. Kirk possibly feel that he liked Spock in the same way that he admired the aesthetically pleasing man? Spock could barely let out any emotion, let alone register it and act upon it. How could Kirk ever latch onto these non-existent emotions and enjoy spending time with such a cold being? Exactly. He couldn't.

However Spock stopped thinking in this way, inhaled and exhaled slowly, and resigned to pushing these irrational thoughts to the back of his Vulcan mind and schooled his features.

He reached forward and knocked on Kirk's door. Spock's Vulcan ears picked up on movement within the room and awaited the human's appearance in the doorframe, undoubtedly grinning charismatically and looking as beautiful as he normally did with his tanned skin and crystalline eyes and soft blonde hair and bright pink parted lips.

No.

_Stop thinking about the Captain in this way_ Spock's subconscious screamed at him.

Spock again controlled his illogical emotions and cleared his mind. He needed full concentration for what the Captain wanted him to talk about; whatever subject he may want to discuss.

The door opened slowly, revealing the Captain, who was wearing a white t-shirt and dark blue jeans, smiling widely at his First Officer. Spock was momentarily mesmerised by his superior standing in his casual clothes and grinning up at him. This thought was dispelled quickly as his Captain spoke.

"Hey Spock, come on in"

His blue eyes twinkled in the light of the corridor. Spock mentally asked himself why he could focus so much on Kirk's eyes when he should be focusing on his speech.

"Yes, sir"

Spock replied, following the human into the well lit quarters.

He looked around absently at the surroundings, there were PADDs stacked on the desk, a few items of clothing strewn over the furniture, and there were photographs blue-tacked to the wall above the desk. He also noticed that the temperature was cooler to that of his own room; he shivered slightly at the change in temperature. Kirk looked up at Spock again, looking awkward and tense.

"I guess you're wondering why I asked you here. Right? I mean I don't normally…it's something that doesn't often happen; people being invited to my quarters. I have been thinking a lot recently about the crew…well not the crew, about one particular crew member…and I don't know if I can keep the thoughts inside any longer"

He looked away at this point, becoming suddenly interested in his own hands, twisting them together and apart and twiddling his fingers and thumbs.

Spock's inner emotions were spiking, was he about to be told that Kirk was…attracted to someone on the crew? He didn't know whether he could hear about his T'hy'la (had he really just called Kirk his T'hy'la?) being in love with someone else; his heart would be rent in half by that admission from the human.

"And I know that it is completely illogical"

He looked pointedly at Spock at this point, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

"and that it may not work out as I want it to…but I don't believe in no-win scenarios…so whatever happens will happen and I will make it work for me…I mean I'm James T fucking Kirk!…people don't reject me…I work on the fact that my plans will always work out…but this time it's different; something in my head is screaming at me and telling me to stop and run in the opposite direction. but since when do I listen to what people tell me to do?"

Spock's lips twitched at this last point, a fondness for his Captain's reckless confidence swimming in his mind.

"Captain-"

"Please, call me Jim…I'm not on duty at the moment"

"Jim then, what is it you want to discuss with me? So far I have not discerned a topic that applies to me directly."

"Oh right yeah…well what I have been rambling about does apply to you actually… the crew member I have been watching intently?"

Kirk looked up again; he was graced with a confused eyebrow raise.

"Sir, I still fail to-"

Kirk interrupted the Vulcan

"It's you Spock! I've been interested in you…it's you that I …that I can't stop thinking about…that I love"

The young human's voice disappeared to a whisper at the end of the sentence.

Unfortunately Vulcans have extra-sensitive hearing.

Spock walked forwards, stepping into Kirk's personal space; he stepped backwards in shock and found himself against a wall. His breathing hitched in fear as the dark eyes of his First Officer bore into him.

"Did you just say that you…love me? This is very important _James_…the complexities of human pranks escape me…are you telling the truth?"

Spock asked, looking deep into the glistening blue eyes.

"Prank? You think I'm joking? I don't do this sort of thing…ever…you may or may not know this Spock…but monogamy hasn't been a big part of my life so far…meaningless, very hot, but still meaningless one night stands are more my thing"

Jim answered, his eyes wide with sincerity.

"What relevance does that information have to our current conversation?"

Spock asked, frowning slightly. Kirk looked straight at the Vulcan, desire swirling within him; _damn he even looks hot when he's frowning_ Jim thought momentarily.

"For someone so scientific Spock, you sure are oblivious! I'm saying that I love you and all you can say is that I'm taking the piss? That I'm joking?"

Jim said, throwing his hands up in what seemed like frustration.

Spock stepped backwards, confused by what his commanding officer was saying. He felt his calves back into the bed, letting himself sit lightly on the mattress. Staring up at the human he attempted to configure everything.

He wished he was in his own quarters, meditating, trying to quell the emotions that were rising to the surface at that moment; a desire to just take Jim in his arms and hold him tightly, an unyielding need to tell the man that he also loved him and could not stop thinking about him. and feeling shame for being so …unemotional…so Vulcan (he had never been ashamed of his culture before)

He wished he could just capture those impulses and thrust them outward. He forced himself from his mind to come back to the Captain's quarters, blinking for a few moments.

He realised that Jim has seated himself beside him on the bed, and was sitting cross-legged staring intently at Spock, looking worried.

"Spock, please…for the sake of any tatters of a friendship we might have left…say something? I know this must be embarrassing for you…or whatever…I mean obviously this is all a one-sided stupid thing I'm going through…but I need some communication…or just an answer? Anything?"

Spock turned towards Jim, realising that his captain looked genuinely afraid of Spock's response.

"You said that I was oblivious Jim? You too are also oblivious of my feelings for you. I have been harbouring a secret…love for you…I have attempted to meditate upon it, to understand it, I have even tried to condemn it and dispel it, but I can no longer hold my desires within. I wish to convey to you my feelings, to whatever extent you will allow me?"

Spock finally said, placing a hand tentatively upon Jim's jeaned knee, stroking the denim lightly with a pale fingertip.

Jim's mouth fell open and his eyes widened in shock at Spock's confession.

"Uh, wow! So…you don't hate me? Or want to strangle me for emotionally compromising you this time? Like, you are actually ok with this? You actually feel the same way?"

Jim stuttered, smiling yet raising his eyebrows in blatant disbelief.

"Yes, Jim…your feelings are reciprocated."

Spock uttered, allowing a smile to grace his usually stoic face. He moved the few inches forward so his forehead was touching Jim's.

"I'm sorry spock…I just can't believe that things are going so right for me…my life is so full of pain and disappointment and things going wrong…I guess I'm finding all this good luck a little hard to understand…it's not a feeling I'm used to…I never realised falling in love was so…so complicated" he replied, chuckling and cupping Spock's cheek, before placing a light kiss on the Vulcan lips.

"If this is to happen-"

Spock said, breaking apart from the cool human lips for a moment, gesturing between him and Jim,

"-then you have to understand one thing" Spock finished his sentence, staring deeply into Jim's sapphire eyes for a moment.

"Yeah? What is it baby?"

Jim replied, touching his fingers to Spock's in a Vulcan kiss. Spock recoiled slightly in fascination at how Jim knew this way of showing emotion. (Kirk hadn't been reading up on Vulcan anatomy and biology and sexual congress in the off chance anything might actually happen…no, of course he hadn't…but Bones' biology books had mysteriously disappeared for a week or so without any explanation)

Blushing slightly at the term of endearment, Spock continued.

"My father must not be made aware of this arrangement, do you understand me?"

Seriousness laced the Vulcan's voice, and Jim took his hand tightly now, looking deep into Spock's eyes.

"I understand Spock…but why can't he know? I could make you happy…couldn't I?…I mean I-"

Jim started, Spock placed his hand over his bright pink lips, stopping the speech that was undoubtedly about to flow from them.

"I am not casting aspersions upon you, or doubting that you can, that you do make me happy…my father respects the human emotion of love; he once told me that he married my mother because he loved her. however, persuading my father of the fact that I am romantically, even sexually involved with a man, a human man, will be quite a difficult task…I just need you to respect the fact that I must be ready to inform him of our relationship…when I feel I am ready"

Spock said, feeling he needed to explain away the pain and fear that had appeared in his Captain's eyes.

"Oh right…so you know that I love you…and that your happiness is important to me…it's just a time issue? You aren't questioning me? Questioning us?"

Jim clarified, slowly controlling his mind and letting the feeling of rejection disengage…he wasn't about to have everything he'd wanted for so long, after it being dangled in front of him, be cruelly dragged away again.

No…Spock just needed some time…that Jim could deal with, yes, time... completely fine with Jim.

"No, I am not questioning, or doubting, or rejecting…or any of those thoughts that are running presently through your mind. I just need some time, as you put it, to comprehend and decide how I am to tell my father of this development"

Jim had forgotten that Spock was a touch telepath, and therefore had a shocked expression on his face when Spock relayed everything that was buzzing through his mind.

He schooled his expressions back to neutral, but could not stop the infectious grin from invading his face.

They lay back on the single bed, arms wrapped around each other, both smiling widely, content for the first time in months, honesty had won out in both of them, and they had been rewarded for it.

Honesty is after all the best policy.

**.god that is such a cheesy/fluffy ending. **

END OF CHAPTER ONE OF THE NEW AND IMPROVED KEEPING SECRETS FROM SAREK

THANKS TO KILLING OF WILLS FOR HELPING ME TO UNDERSTAND THE CHARACTERS OF SPOCK AND KIRK BETTER…AND FOR GUIDING ME FROM MY FIRST DRAFT TO THIS (HOPEFULLY) BETTER ATTEMPT

ALSO I TRIED TO MAKE SPOCK MORE VULCAN AND JIM LESS…WELL LESS GIRLY, AS IN THE OTHER ONE HE WAS CRYING AND STUFF…NOT VERY MANLY AND CHRIS PINE-ISH SO HOPEFULLY HE IS MORE MANLY AND KIRK-LIKE IN THIS VERSION

I AM GOING TO WRITE A SECOND CHAPTER WHERE: THEY HAVE TO VISIT VULCAN 2…OBVS KIRK/SPOCK AS XO AND CAPTAIN GO TO THE PLANET…THEY ARE INVITED TO STAY WITH SAREK…TRYING TO HIDE THEIR RELATIONSHIP FROM SPOCK'S VULCAN DADDY WILL BE V DIFFICULT…WILL THEY HIDE OR WILL THEY SPILL THE BEANS? OH THE TENSION

**Hope you like it **


End file.
